Chapter of My Life

I will never be proud of this chapter of my life, but i think, this is necessary for me.

This post will be vague af, but there's point for those who understand.

People may asked, if you want to keep it pointlessly vague, why do you write it publicly?

1. I think, people doesn't really read this blog :)

2. It's a life event, and i think i should left memories about it, that i can re-read in the future

I will start, with value. Everyone has value in their life, or to make it easier, you may want to call it standard. Something you don't like if it's being crossed by whoever in your life, but probably the way we expressed it will be different, depends on who crossed that standard.

As you grow older, your standard may change. It will evolve, because some of the reasons, e.g :

1. You get married, and you need to compromise your standard with your spouse

2. You have a turning point in your life that make you see everything differently

3. You just grow older, and you think it's no longer relevant for your life

and so on so on...

And, since you're a social creature, you really need to live your life with others, and to avoid conflict, you need to compromise about your standard.

Compromising (in every part) isn't my way of life, although, i tried to apply it in certain phase of my life. And, swear to God, i did try to compromise.

But there are some points in your life, where you feel like even compromising isn't enough. Because it's pointless. And at that point, you just wanted to stop, cause it took some part of your soul and suddenly you don't know your self, and why are you becoming like that? Why am i tolerating so much? Why am i drowned on this situation? Who am i? Why am i being treated this way? So many questions in your head, then you start to question your own sanity.

Then, i stop and realizing i have dignity and there are so much more than just compromising and tolerating something that is totally crossing my standard, until i didn't realize what i want in this life anymore.

I realized, so many consequences will follow this decision. But, i don't think i can go back to that part of my life where i have to tolerate so much and not getting mutual benefit of that. It's all hurt in the end, and let's stop right there. I still human after all, that needed to be respected despite the status that i have right now.

It's a brave decision, and i will never be proud of it. Even some people may be disappointed. But after all, this is my life and i am still alive, so i may want to reconsider, all of the decision that lead to my growth instead of hang onto something that made me feel underappreciated after all. I am just a human being who wanted to feel secure and sane.

I don't know about the future, but one thing for sure, this is not an emotional decision. And this time, i am totally sure of it.