Being On Your Own

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Many times that thought pops in my head.

Can i really be on my own? To be honest, i've never really been on my own for as long as i can remember. I crave companionship. Always have boyfriend since high school. In my daily life, i enjoyed being in a company of two or more. It feels good to me. Even, i can't eat alone at lunch. I always have someone to go out with. Whenever i feel lonely, i called my friend. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

But then, situation changed.

I took the decision that needs me to stay on my own, for i don't know how long. Now, i feel like i can't cope up with that.

Because, whenever i'm alone, there's always like this weird anxiety coming, creeping into my mind. I always try to make myself busy, to forget things, to make me not feel things i suppose to.

Doing anything. Listening to music, talking to someone, or even going somewhere without any clear objectives, and sometimes, i know it's not a healthy coping mechanism, i know i need to sit with myself. Feeling this pain, joy, and everything and still be okay with that. And it's difficult. I'd rather speaking in front of 1 million people or watching horror movies marathon alone, rather than being on my own with my feelings and thoughts, because it's scary. It's like the anxiety builds up and suddenly i feel hard to breathe, and my mind just get blurred, and i can't think at all. I think, i just restrained myself from feeling, feel the real feeling cause it feels like a storm.

I don't know how to cope up with this in the future. I've never really surviving alone like this. Feels scary. But, all i can do is surviving on my own. Cause i've got no one but myself.